Wednesday, April 25, 2007
i hate to start with this. but life isnt too great for me lately. work is getting stressful..i feel sad that quite a lot of people are leaving the place. this make working even tougher as new people are after all new now.. every single day i have something to feel upset about at work. and no matter what i do, it just doesnt seem good enough for them..so i decided to take mcs..which is a really bad idea i know. i have taken like 12 days so far this year.. how terrible can i get? i just cannot stay anymore..i have to move. as if work isnt bad enough, my love life aint too good either. hubby and i seem to be bickering a lot lately..whether is it pms or not i dont know cause i have missed my period by almost a week plus and this aint common. i just hope it will come... the past few days have been safe enough but for how long? my mum took this matter into her own hands and arranged for us to see a marriage counsellor this week to settle our grudges against each other. i cannot accept the fact that he lied to me and made me marry him. it was something that was not important to him, but it is to me. if not why the on earth does most asians still emphasise on virginity? for him, he cannot accept the fact that actually i have extremely odd mood swings, short temper and possesiveness. he no longer works at blu, so i guess his stress level aint that high anymore.. he does breakfast at horizon club now and works from 5am to 1 pm daily. doesnt sounds too bad ya? he made me start to wonder why did i even marry him last year. if i null the marriage now, can i not be considered a divorcee? my thoughts are to this extent. yet i cant seem to let him go. i am just too used to staying with him. i cannot sleep alone for even one night. and i really mean cannot get to sleep without someone next to me. so i strongly objected to my mum's request to ask him to stay elsewhere for the time being. does all my relationships have to end this way? i am 21, not even 22 yet. i still have a long way. but suddenly the thought of relationships seem to turn me off. i havent been single since i was thirteen. i am just too dependent on guys. i can be independent in any way, living alone whatever but just not sharing life alone. goodness gracious...what have become of me..? sigh... for the first time in my life i actually got drunk two days ago. i used to hold my liquor well whenever i went drinking especially with him, he would have been knocked out by his first glass of beer..and i will continue to entertain his friends with like 8 to 9 glasses of wine before i cannot take it and will put a stop to it. i can actually control myself.. come to think of it, i realised i havent been out with him doing all these for more that 6 months already..maybe i have become lousy. haha.. but it was damn lousy ok..and so unglam. i was at my company's chalet organised by the restaurant. and all i had was 3 bowls of screwdriver..not knowing the level alcohol content in it. then i remembered i felt hungry and faint, then i cannot recall much anymore! i wonder what i have done within that time period..till i got home. i think i remember a little..maybe 20% i am not too sure..i dont even know if what i remembered was real or not. but suddenly i feel i rather not remember anything at all. it wasnt nice. i remembered someone carrying me to the room from outside, i remembered going to the restroom many times..but i forgot to puke or what, and there were a lot of commotion around me, i heard my name many times. and i think i actually hugged a someone but i aint too sure if it was real or not, and i cant really recall who was the someone..and i didnt want to ask although i really wanted to know. but it was comforting i remembered and i didnt feel i wanted to let go and i even had an urge to kiss the person if im not wrong..(OMG!!) why was it just that feeling towards this particular someone? i dont know.. how can i be so bold. then another someone carried me to the car i think..and i was home.. then i finally woke up about 4am feeling fully awake.. and i went to work at 6am. i went back again the next evening to retrieve my shoes but i didnt drink anymore...i stayed until about 1.30am and i took a cab home. what an experience.. actually i feel sort of awful about it cause it must have been so unlady-like to get drunk. i was wearing a skirt and im sure i must have been exposed! can everyone forget this and not bring it up again? its embarassing! and im afraid cause after all these....i suddenly realised i have a crush on someone. i think. but how can i? i havent forgotten my hubby but its true i have a crush on someone.. my gosh...i am so confused. this is wrong wrong wrong.. but the feeling is so...strong? can someone tell me what i should do? worse thing is im gonna be off for the next 4 days(clearing PHs).. and im gonna think a lot a lot. gotta occupy myself......
hUgs&KissEs |
1:20 PM
