Only you ...

Saturday, June 16, 2007

5 more days to my big day. i feel so anxious and excited. i hope everything will turn out well! i still have so much to do and so little time. prepare hong bao money, liase with restaurant regarding projector, wait for photos to be ready, my facial and manicure/pedicure and pack luggage...haha..
yesterday i went to the bridal shop to take my measurements again. and it was upsetting ok....because i have increased all over..by at least an inch. my waist 2 inches!! so have to re-alter my wedding gowns. haha...it was a happy and sad thing actually. putting on weight means baby is growing.. =)
yesterday i went to the gynae too. i did another ultrascan and gosh, i was so touched i almost wanted to cry. i could see the baby already. and he/she is so active in my tummy. i even got to hear the heartbeat..loud and clear. measuring 6.13cm now..i could see clearly his/her hands and legs. my goodness...i cannot imagine, a life inside me.. the delivery date is now 24th december 2007. brought forward by 5 days.. i hope its gonna be a christmas baby!! all the nausea and discomforts was all worth it..it just didnt matter anymore when i saw baby.. i feel so happy. can you feel my joy? =D

hUgs&KissEs | 10:59 AM

Thursday, June 07, 2007

getting up early is a new habit of mine.. no matter how late i slept the night before, i still wake up early. nothing bad..just that i dont really have anything in mind to do so early. haha.. today i am off. gonna stay at home to do some spring cleaning.

our wedding is just 2 weeks away..almost everything has been done. i dont know if i feel happy, anxious or worried. i just hope to get over with it soon. many still ask me the same question "are you sure? this is for life..." well, how can i say no when i already have got baby in my tummy? i believe very much in fate. i was given a chance to withdraw from this wedding, but baby came as a sign to say no, dont withdraw. ..so i have 2 reasons for this wedding..first, the baby. second, he is my first and i hope he would be the last. when it comes to these things, im still very conventional. not that i still love him like in the past, not that i still trust him very much..but i do believe in a second chance.. and i shall just pray that he would not ruin it. "gan qing ke yi..zai..pei yang"..especially now with the little one. i know, wedding should be mutual and should be happy. i shall let people around me shower me with words of blessing so i can become happy. haha..what a dumb thing to say. =P

i know i have to forget him. i cannot build my happiness on thoughts of him. i have already come to this stage of my life where there could only be one. but i just feel happy and at ease when i see him. just the sight of him makes my day. no kidding! his presence is that enjoyable. but i rather he not speak to me..it makes me feel so rubbery and dumb..cos i never say something right. and i rather he not sit next to me..i cannot concentrate on what im doing and would definitely not take my eyes off him. i still remember some things though not very clearly, and i like daydreaming about it. i do regret some things that i could have done..but i guess i rather not have done it because i am not supposed to. it would just bring guilt. it doesnt matter he doesnt know..maybe even better.. these are things he should not know..it might spoil the current relationship. he has changed a little since then but it doesnt matter. as long as i still get to see him. these are my thoughts and he would never know. in fact nobody knows. only me... but this is something i need to forget..this cannot stay, especially after the wedding. i am no longer like before..i need to remind myself. im going to have a family..a home of my own..one that belongs selfishly only to ourselves. this love cannot be shared. not with someone else..who doesnt belong. he can stay, but only at the back of my memory....not to be brought up ever again. i feel kind of sad..but this is how my life is gonna be and i have decided on this long before..no turning back. i cannot be fickle minded anymore...

it just takes time..
give me some time....

hUgs&KissEs | 10:40 AM

Saturday, May 19, 2007

my mum had a talk with us. i really hate to involve my mum sometimes..she already has so much to worry about. we have decided to carry on with the wedding..depite the fact that my mum tried to get us to postpone it. quarrels are quarrels, at the end of the day..we do not hate each other. just that quarrels are not good that all. we just have to work things out...

putting aside all these unhappiness.. we finally went through the "guo da li" yesterday. haha.. sent out most of the invitations to relatives already..today im gonna have to post out those invitations. still have got room left.. but shall see how then. there are still a lot left to do before the big day. luckily im working mornings the next two weeks..so should have time to do...

baby is 8 weeks old now.. my morning sickness has worsen..making it really difficult for me to work. and i feel sleepy so often. like now.. i mean, i just woke up..! haha.. but doctor says its like that. after the 12th week, i would be better.. =)

hUgs&KissEs | 11:27 AM

Monday, May 14, 2007

i dont know what is wrong with him. it just pisses me off. i haved locked myself in my room now to blog. i cannot stand him.. he is watching hbo now and wouldnt give a damn anyway. he has been on leave since last saturday till this friday. but he does nothing at home. before i left for work at 6.30am, he was asleep. when i got home at 6pm, he was still asleep. this has been going on for the past few days. he doesnt even call or even sms me when im not home...i doubt he even give a damn if i went home safely or not. all along i thought..maybe...a little maybe, if i keep this baby he would at least treat me a slight bit better. but no. he doesnt even care to help me out with the wedding prep. im left all alone to arrange things. like its wedding of me and ME? simple task like helping me to call up the restaurant, he just waved it off saying he didnt know how to talk. worse still...i caught him lying again. we made a pact to tell each other everything. but he broke his promise once again as usual...like all guys. he went for a job interview without even consulting me. he said the young lady boss made him cooked a dish and started calling and smsing him ever TOO often. who knows if that was even the truth? he could have gone there to fuck for all i know. like how he always is like.. then he even got angry when i questioned him. he screamed at me stuff like that. hurt my feelings a lot..a lot. but i was used to it. i went out alone. i went to binge on my own. i spent $50 and 3 hours eating...before i decided to go home. does he even care? if not for the baby..really...i wanna postpone this wedding. if not for my mum, the stuff she already bought for me...i really really would have cancelled i think. this is driving me nuts. i guess he just no longer remembers how many hundred days he took just to make me go out with him...how many another hundreds of days it took for me to say yes to this marriage. i was blind then. after the marriage, everything just becomes invisible to him. i have given him so much of me..what else have i not done? i have given him things to be happy about, a place to live in, even his very own everything...yet he childishly talks about getting our own place all the time without considering our present situation. just what you want me to do? i really dont know. you mean you dont want the baby exchange for a house or what? i dont know... now.. honestly. i dont even know if i made a right choice to keep baby. i dont want to be so heartless.. but the situation seems to force me. nobody understands how difficult it is being pregnant. feeling nausea all the time, cant eat favourite food, cannot shop for long, tire easily, need sleep almost all the time..who understands? i feel so tired. baby, please help me decide. i want you. but your father doesnt seem to cherish you... what should i do..? =(

hUgs&KissEs | 11:15 PM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

i woke up too early..should have slept longer. cos i would be off today and tomorrow.. and today i would be meeting my pre-u classmates finally. gotta discuss about the wedding cos they gonna be my "jie meis". hehe.. i think i dont feel so good. my morning sickness is sort of getting worse, i think.. and morning sickness actually doesnt refer to just morning..its throughout the day. and last night was horrible! i couldnt sleep well cos i need to puke..yet i tried to force it down. sigh.. no, sour plums doesnt help. and im having a tummyache now..as usual..every morning. think my air-conditioner is too cold? maybe im gonna turn it off. gosh...i dont feel well. dont think about it..dont dont think about it and i would be fine?.. enough of my complaints. haha.. i have more things to worry about now that i cannot really fit into many of my pants. i have gained 1.5kg..i am fat. time to buy some new pants..no maternity wear yet. im not gonna wear it till im 3 or 4 months i think. hubby waited up for me last night.. he was supposed to sleep since he needed to get up at 4am. i got home at 12am and we went out for supper nearby. haha.. we slept about 2 and he got up at 4. i feel so guilty. maybe i should work mornings more often.. but i hate mornings. lol.

hUgs&KissEs | 10:56 AM

Sunday, May 06, 2007

supposed to be working this evening. but came home instead..sigh.. just my luck. already no gro working tonight..yet i had to come home..to rest. who would believe i actually fell down in the restaurant just now? that stooooopid housekeeping auntie who was mopping the floor..cant you just put that damn "wet floor" sign to alert people?? other than bruising my knee, i hope everything else would be fine. especially baby. i was so scared just now. i was so afraid my fall might hurt the baby. who would understand? i cried not because of the fall (cos this was like the 5th time or what i have fallen down in the restaurant cos of the stupid poorly-done flooring) but cos im afraid for the baby. well, baby should be fine. i will go and see the doctor first thing tomorrow morning. to think i was just discussing this with my manager the day before about my next 6 weeks at the restaurant. sigh.. its like this...i went to the gynae for the first time few days ago to check baby. baby is doing good and i could even see him/her from the ultrasound scan. so touching.. i mean, a life inside my tummy. my gosh... but cos of some medical problems, my gynae suggests that i dicontinue my job in the restaurant until baby is three months old. if not i would be very prone to a miscarriage..touch wood. i started to worry cos gynae actually said i cannot carry heavy stuff and be overworked etc. so if i dont work in the restaurant, where can i go? i was supposed to further discuss this with my manager today, and this happened. sigh.. i think i am such a troublesome employee..how?? haha.. i better go and see a doctor tomorrow then see how.. hubby sent me home in a cab just now.. he is working till 8pm tonight. i havent really chatted with him for long time. whenever i see him, its almost bedtime. and whenever he starts talking, i begin dozing off. lol.. its really ironic...

hUgs&KissEs | 7:21 PM

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

work was tiring for me today.. it wasnt that busy, but it just wore me out. supposed to meet carol after work but she wasnt available..so i ended up going home.. and feeling sooo hungry..that i dragged hubby downstairs to take dinner with me. haha.. i was so touched this morning when he made breakfast for me before going to work at 4.30am. i could never have done that, too much of a sleepy head.. i just love his scrambled eggs. today i also finally told my manager about my pregnancy and actually started to feel less worried to work too hard. i mean, these are two different issues. telling my manager was just like informing her so she will know.. and work was too busy to worry too much about baby. one thing after another..im just so tired now.. my mood swings can get really extreme these days. but it wasnt too bad i guess. just my own thoughts that will affect me. other than that everythings good i guess.. i shall decide where to go when working becomes too tiring for me.. after birth, i want to stay home to take care of baby so he/she gets the utmost care..but at the same time i dont wanna give up my job.."she bu de". what a dilemma.. =P

hUgs&KissEs | 7:50 PM